A Dad's Letter

Dear son, do you know the first time I saw you?
You're crying, like angelic voice. Your mom look at me with tired eyes, but her smile said that she's so happy. I look at you, you look at me with that eyes. I bet you don't know who I am.
But I know started from now, I became a dad. I've imagine that when you grow up as a young boy, you will be a hero for your mom when I'm getting older. We will spend our time every weekend for watching football, you will bet with me, we will playing basketball together, until you told me that you falling in love with someone.

On the first time I have you, I show you to all of my office colleagues. My boss said youre handsome, my friends scramble to take photos with you. Our house is full of toys from them.

When midnight comes you always crying and woke me up. Your mother looks so tired, so I said to her for sleep again and i will try to make you sleep. Even i'm so tired of my works today, even I have to wake up again at 5 a.m, but I enjoyed the time with you.

Every morning you woke me up and begging me to playing horseback. Yes I do it for you, and when I'm going to my office my back is so painful because of you. On the weekend, I'm sick because of all new habits that I must do as a father.

Time flies and you become a young boy. I have worked so hard for you, so you can get the best school. But you don't study hard at school. Youre lazy so I have a report from your teacher that you always get a bad score and sleeping in the class. I told you many times but you didn't change. You make me disappointed. You make me feel that every money I spent from my hard works is useless and you didn't appreciate it. My hope is gone.

When I lose my job, we don't have enough savings money anymore. We just can buy one food for three times meals a day. I always give you the largest portion, I know for a young boy like you need more calories than me. You don't realize that, you look so enjoy your meal. And I continued it everyday become a habit.

You start to smoking and drinking, I don't want my son touch that things, because when I was young, I've destroyed by that things. I told you, but you never listen to me. You mad with me. You even said that you hate me. It hurts me. I don't want to listen it again.
You never come back home, you falling in love with a girl that I don't like. She's just want your money, she doesn't love you and she's easily give herself to every boys near her. You don't know because you're so blind at the time.

You never listen to me!

Now I'm sick, but I still don't want to leave you. Because I still have a words unspoken to you that you have to know that before I'm gone forever.

I love you.
How come I don't love you if i spend my every midnight time when you're baby, to make you can sleep while you're making me can't sleep?
How come I don't love you if I spend my money for send you to school that can educate you, so you can be just like other child?
Even I always look annoying, an old man that can't do anything anymore. Giving so much rules, asking too much.
I really really don't want to lose you. I want you happy in your life. I know sometimes you destroy yourself, but you don't realize it because youre still young. I care with you, but you never realized.
I want to see you live with your wife. I want to know who is she, where would you live, but I think I don't have any time enough to know that things.

And I remember, when you were a baby, you still don't know who I am. And now, you don't know who I am anymore.

-sat